These past few summers have been reserved for being lazy, traveling, and not making much with progress my life. (Wow. That sounded terrible. ha.) This summer, things have changed a bit. I am making progress with life and this summer I went back to school… again.
I kind of kept it a secret for a little while because of this overwhelming fear of failure that I have. I have tried taking courses before but, to put it simply, I hated it. I started my first 3 credits without a problem but finishing them proved to be difficult. The semester I started, I was motivated and had energy but nearing the end of the semester, a tragic event derailed me… and a lot of other people. Eventually, I was able to finish those credits with all A’s and ended up being enrolled in two courses. that summer. But I couldn’t do it. I tried to push myself to get the work done and changes in policies no longer made deadlines an issue. Still, that wasn’t enough for me to finish. Summer turned into fall and then winter and spring. I was a long way off from finishing my program, and I didn’t like what they were attempting to teach me or how they did it. I barely opened the book, if at all. I had Incompletes on my transcripts.
The dread of not finishing what I set out to do hung over my head for a while and I let everyone that would be interested in knowing about my progress that this was an off-limits topic. I would not discuss it. I felt like a failure.
Flash-forward to June 2010.
It took me a very long time to find a program that would be a good match on multiple levels. After much searching, I found it. And I enrolled in two courses, one per summer session. My energy and determination this time around helped me complete the first course – which started the same day that vacation started! I stayed up into the wee hours of the night finishing my work after we had traveled and toured. I was up after 1:00am in Las Vegas, but I wasn’t gambling in a casino. At times I found myself going to be at 2:00 in the morning, which is 5:00am east coast time. I don’t think I ever did that as an undergrad!
Now that I have successfully completed one of my courses, I feel like I can talk about it. I feel good about where I am and the decisions I’ve made, though the other “stuff” is still off-limits. My courses are at the graduate level but I am enrolled as a guest student. If I want to continue with the program – which I do – I will have to take the dreaded GREs and officially apply.